Aftermath
by toilet-ducky
Summary: Warning Character Death!  Spencer Reid is dealing with the loss of his partner . . .   Okay this is my first attempt at criminal minds Hotch/Reid it very sad and first chapter does deal with funeral be warned!
1. Chapter 1

It's one of the few subjects he has little information on. His brain, which can usually come up with over a thousand and more ideas a minute comes up blank when it's asked for all it knows on funerals. For someone who deals with death on a regular basis due to his job, Spencer knows very little about the logistics of funerals. He guesses he should feel grateful that he has lived for forty two years and has such little need to acquaint himself with what to do when someone dies, but all Spencer can feel is horribly unprepared. This is a new feeling, and not something that sits easily with the genius. He prides himself on always knowing the answer, being able to use his eidetic memory to recall anything and almost everything, and his reasoning skills to fill the gaps that are left, but he doesn't think that it will work this time. Death and Funerals are not logical, they do not follow a reasonable pattern, they cannot be understood with maths or equations; they require reason, but also stoicism and acceptance; three things that Spencer is fresh out of.

Spencer Reid thought that death would mark the end; but it doesn't. It just starts a whole new phase, where the life is categorized and carved up into assets, anecdotes, and numerous decisions that Spencer doesn't want to make. Will it be a church funeral, or will they do it somewhere else? A burial or a cremation, will there be hymns or favourite songs played during the service, who will be invited, who will be left out, where will the final resting place be?

It doesn't feel right that he has to answer all these questions. He doesn't remember ever signing up for this, and he most certainly does not think that he is the man for the job, how can everyone be confident that he will make the right decisions? _They don't_ a small voice in his head supplies unhelpfully. It is strange that even after all of these years the small contrary voice in his head still sounds like Tobias Hankell, well the father personality at any rate. Yet Spencer can't help but agree with it, and feel that every decision that is forced upon him is another opportunity for people to disagree with him, to use this as an example of just how little Spencer knows about the deceased.

"You're going to have to make a decision soon, Spence; the funeral home needs to know what to do with the body"

Spencer nods, as his eyes remain unfocused upon the sheets of paper that litter the kitchen table. He's being rude, and knows it. He should at least give Jack the courtesy of looking him in the eye, but Spencer has been unable to do it since the death.

Spencer pushes a hand through his hair, making a mental note to get it cut before the service, another job to an increasingly long list. He is just about to open his mouth when Jack breaks the silence once more from his side of the table.

"You don't need to worry about offending me Spencer, you need to do what you think is right."

Spencer nods again, knowing that words are needed, but he is still calculating the best course of action; he has never and will never be a chancer, Spencer judges, calculates, and theorizes before he come up with the right answer. He doesn't think there is one in this scenario.

Jack sighs loudly, as if he can hear the cogs working in Spencer's head, before banging his hands loudly on the table, forcing Spencer's eyes on his for the first time in two weeks.

"I have given you time Spencer. I know you never make rash decisions, you postulate and theorize, but God dam it Spencer, it has been two bloody weeks! Stuff needs to be sorted, NOW!"

Spencer blinks at the young man that sits in front of him. His brown eyes blaze with fire, and for the briefest of moments it is not the eyes of his sixteen year old 'son' for the lack of a better word, but they're Aarons, bright and oh so alive, and asking him, no demanding him to do this one last thing for him.

"Yes" Spencer croaks, as if he is no longer used to his own voice.

"Right" Jack agrees as his eyes calm down, as his fists unclench so they are palm down on the counter. "We will do this together. We will go through this one step at a time, as we don't have a lot of time, before the body gets so ripe it works out of the home on its own steam"

It's a crass joke, and Spencer doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, so he falls back on what he knows.

"Actually there are five general stages to describe the process of decomposition: Fresh, Bloat, Active and Advanced Decay, and Dry/Remains. And I would hypothesize that the body would be in the active stage as this is within the first month of death."

Even as he is rattling off the information he knows that it is horribly inappropriate and not a way someone should speak of a dead loved one. Yet as he looks at Jack the teenager's smile begins to brighten.

"There is the Spencer I know and love. I thought it was a case of the body snatchers, you haven't recounted any little known facts and statistics for two weeks"

Even Spencer manages a weak smile at this, though the reason for his change in behaviour is never far from the fore point in his mind.

"Right shall we get started? First the easy stuff- Venue. I think it should be a church service and then go back to a hotel for the wake."

Spencer can't help but marvel at the young man who sits before him, gently pulling the lists of funeral details over to his side of the table as they go through it methodically, one by one. Jack is the true genius, breaking everything down into logical steps that Spencer's analytical mind can comprehend. They come at every decision with an almost detached sense of logic. The service is to be held at a church; though no one is particularly religious, it will please some of the older relatives that need to be invited and it takes any further stress off Spencer, that the Vicar can lead the mourners through with gentle sermons and a kindly air, which Spencer is grateful for. There are to be white lilies as flowers, clean traditional and non-offensive, they will kindly ask all mourners for donations instead of flowers, so there will be no big pompous bouquet of garlands to worry about at the end of the service. Music is a slightly more difficult decision when they get to it, both Spencer and Jack know the favourite songs, there is a weird five minutes when they seriously consider a bat out of hell, as it was one of his favourites, but they both decide that it may not be appropriate, so it is decided on Dance of the Blessed Spirits: C W Gluck for the entrance as it comes up on a search of appropriate funeral songs (yes they googled it) and it was a track on of the most played cd's that still lays near the sound system, the song at the end is more difficult. Spencer knows deep down the song he wants. The song that would be most apt, from his perspective but he doesn't say it. It's a mixture of safe-guarding the memories that have been weaved with this song; happy memories that he doesn't want to be marred with the knowledge that this song was played at his funeral, and the need Spencer has to please everyone, and he can see the disapproval on the faces of some of the elder relatives at the idea of an up-beat song on such a sad occasion. In the end it is Jack who mentions it; now sitting between piles of cd's holding one of the rare records that is has not been replaced by newer technology.

"This song would be prefect" Jack states, going to the player and fiddling with it for a few moments, before Spencer begrudgingly goes over to help him, knowing instinctively what track he wants to play.

"What do you think Spencer?" He asks genuinely, as the first notes of the song eek into the air, as Nat king Cole Sings "Smile though your heart is aching".

Spencer smiles sadly as Jack continues "I remember dad playing this." He states though it's not really necessary; Spencer does not need an eidetic memory to remember each and every time Aaron Hotchner played this song during his life with Spencer.

"It started out as a bit of a joke" Spencer remembers, as the music slowly filters through the room; his voice sounding strangely far away as the memories appear in front of him. "It was ironic that a man who very rarely wore anything but a slight frown at work could have smile in his music collection let alone claim it to be one of his favourite songs of all time"

"He would always play it if either of us were in a bad mood. 'Remember to smile Jack; it is never as bad if you can smile'"

He can hear the words as if Aaron is saying them for the first time, to a smaller six year old Jack, who is crying softly on the sofa over a particularly nasty little boy at school who had seemly cruelly interested in Jack's 'two dads'. Spencer had been all for going down to make a formal complaint to the headmaster and having this little punk severely punished for his bigoted views. Yet Aaron has quelled Spencer with a look and knelt down to Jacks level as the first words of the song began to play in the background.

"Remember to smile Jack; it is never as if you can smile"

Spencer wonders if Jack ever realised that Aaron has phoned the school the next morning to inform them if they did not have a talk to the kids about accepting different families a story about backward views in a particular American Elementary would be in an edition of the Quantico Chronicle. Sometimes it helped to be good friends with a communications analyst, or failing that a technical analyst who was great with Photoshop.

"So what do you think Spencer?" Jack asks, as he once again looks sixteen.

"I don't know-"He is about to talk about appropriateness when Jack stops him.

"Stop thinking about what everyone will think. Dad would love it, so would I, and I know you would, so that is all that should matter."

Spencer nods once more as he scribbles the song down, turning it off, and returning to the kitchen, noticing that there are only a few more decisions to make.

"Burial or cremation"

It seems like a rather innocuous decision, but this and the place to keep the casket or urn has been the real reason Spencer hasn't been able to make a decision in weeks. He looks hopefully at Jack, but the boy shakes his head.

"This isn't one I can really help you with Spence" he states, and for the first time, he looks his age, young and a little lost. Spencer feels immediately guilty for putting such pressure on a young man; he should be doing more to help Jack through this. He can't help but feel Jessica would be a much better choice as Jack's carer, yet Jack point bank refused to live with anyone except for Spencer, and the least he can do is respect the young man's decision.

"We never really discussed this. I don't know what he wanted" Spencer admits, as he looks through the paper documenting the pros and cons of each. A cremation is cheaper, and more movable they could bury the ashes, sprinkle them, or keep them. Burial is more expensive, yet still more popular with 3 out of 5 of people being buried. Spencer wishes he could use this knowledge to pick a logical outcome, yet for some reason unlike the other logic doesn't work. Does it matter that cremations are more popular within men in Aaron's age bracket- or that you can get eco-friendly cardboard coffins that are much better for the environment than wood. He really wishes he had asked Aaron when he had the chance, though that would have been an odd conversation.

In the end he plumps with burial, if asked he will state that he wants somewhere for people to go to remember Aaron that will be especially important for Jack when he gets older, but in truth he can't stand the idea of burning the body. The idea of turning his lover, his partner into dust is not something Reid can quite come to grips with.

"Burial" Spencer states quietly, his eyes darting to check Jack's reaction. He takes in a long breath and nods, but there seems to be no involuntary sign of distress so it is decided.

"There is still a plot free next to Haley- your mother I think" Spencer tags onto the end, though he doesn't know why, when the conversation develops to where Aaron should be buried.

"Don't you want him with you? Wherever you end up" Jack asks, genuinely shocked.

Spencer opens his mouth and closes it quickly. To be honest, not that he has given it much thought; he always assumed he would be buried next to his mother, in Las Vegas he assumes as he can never see her leaving the sanatorium.

"I. . . I don't know. I mean that may be a long time away and. . ."

For the first time since Aaron's death Spencer can see anger and hurt play across Jack's face.

"Don't you want to be buried with him Spencer? Is he not important enough? Do you expect you will be with someone else and you will want to be buried with them? You can't want my father to alone. To be buried with the knowledge that no one will join him!"

Jack is steadily getting louder and louder, as his eyes scrunch and his cheeks colour, as he points an accusatory finger in Spencer's direction.

"That's not what I meant." He states loudly his hands out in an appeasing gesture. "I didn't think. I'm sorry. I just assumed you, Haley's family, would want him buried with her."

Spencer is being genuine, for a genius he never realised that his want to appease other relatives, and accommodate what he assumed as Jacks wishes would come across as him abandoning Aaron in the end.

"Why would I want dad buried next to mum? They were divorced, and she's not alone she has Nana Margaret and Gran dad Alfred next to her"

Spencer nods sagely, pleased to note that Jack is calming down; his hands now down by his side as his cheeks lose their angry hue.

"I'm sorry Jack I didn't realise you're thoughts. Why did you say it wasn't your decision when I asked you then?"

"I just assumed you would want to either have him in an urn on your mantle-piece or you would want to be buried next to him."

Spencer nods once more, letting his mind run a mile a minute as he goes through hundreds of ideas. From this outburst Spencer can safely assume Jack expects Aaron to be buried nearby, and though he will not be buried next to Haley it would be thoughtful to be in the same graveyard he could by a plot, enough for Aaron and if he talked to his mother she could be buried alongside, because he really didn't like the idea of her being buried alone either.

"Okay" Spencer states, making another little note in an ever growing list. "I think that this is the main parts sorted I will phone the funeral home now. And I'm sorry jack I didn't mean to upset you"

As Spencer moves to the phone he puts a hand on Jack's shoulder. He is acutely aware that since becoming a teenager Jack has shunned any form of physical affection from adults, but Spencer is secretly relieved when Jack places his hand atop of Spencer's and squeezes lightly.

Maybe things will be okay after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack is at school when the intercom buzzes so Spencer has no option but to answer it. He wonders if he should be embarrassed about relying on the young man so much during this period, but he has to admit that because Jack reminds him so much of Aaron, Spencer finds it quite easy to relinquish control to him when things begin to gather momentum around him, threatening to take him whole. Shaking his head, trying in vain to disperse the wayward thoughts, Spencer views a familiar face through the state of that art camera, that Aaron had installed after Foyet.

"Come on up" He states into the receiver, buzzing the door. Spencer takes a quick sweep of the living room, making sure that it is suitable for guests, not that he really needs to worry. He hasn't been sleeping very much lately and finds the mundane tasks of tidying, and re-organising the contents of the room, is one of the few things he can do to stop, well to stop thinking, to stop his mind creating a downward spiral of linear and non-linear lists of things he has to do, things he should do, and things he definitely doesn't want to do.

"Spencer?" The questioning words of Jennifer Jereau stops him, and he forces a smile as he sees her walk through the door with a cardboard box in her hands, which has an official Federal Bureau stamp emblazoned on its side.

"Hey JJ, come in, do you want a drink? We have coffee, tea, soda, well whatever Jack has left, juices, lots of juices, cranberry, grapefruit, apple, orange, this weird exotic fruit juice that only Aaron likes, I guess it might have gone off by now, but still-" He's rambling, the words spilling out of his mouth at increasing speed, as he mentally ticks off every drink in the cupboards; but he can't help it, he would think JJ would remember what he was like at work, though he would have been more likely to ramble about victim profile statistics than the contents of his kitchen.

JJ manages to stop him with a "Tea is fine Spence" without even a hint of a laugh, as Spencer blinks twice and goes into the kitchen without another word. She shakes her head, as if she expects nothing less from the genius, before dropping the box onto the nearest table, a little surprised that there is a spare surface that isn't covered in books. To be honest the room looks immaculate, nothing is out of place, yet the clutter is prominent in its absence. Even though JJ knows that Spencer downsized a lot of his collections of books, articles, and just well, stuff when he moved in with Aaron she is slightly taken aback by the emptiness of the room. Aaron had made a few comments over the years about the way Spencer's stuff had started to 'infect' the apartment.

"I swear every time I turn round he's managed to get another book into the room. I don't know how he does it. I catch UNSUB's on a weekly basis, yet I am of yet unable to prove that he's doing anything. He tried to tell me the other day that a copy of a brief history of time, was Jack's"

JJ smiles sadly at the memory, as she surveys the room, trying and failing to stop herself from analysing the reasons for its new almost minimalist decor. She's still doing it when Spencer walks back in two steaming cups in his hands, one of which he gives to JJ.

"I thought there was a rule against members of the team profiling each other" Spencer asks, once again ignoring the box JJ has brought with her. His tone is lightly teasing, and JJ can't help but rise to the bait.

"Well you're not a member of the team, so all bets are off"

Spencer tries not to react to the statement, he's not been a member of the BAU for 33 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 12 hours, but it stings, at least before he still had Aaron, but without his team who does he have now? No one Hankell's voice supplies into his ear.

"Spencer. I'm sorry, it's not intentional, and it's just hard to switch off that part of your brain sometimes, I'm sure you know the feeling"

This is one thing Spencer can definitely relate to.

"Of course I do. But if you ever find a way to switch off your brain, please let me know" He replies, trying to keep the levity out of the conversation, though he knows it is a losing battle. JJ nods sympathetically, as she manoeuvres them to the leather sofa's taking a seat across from Spencer's favourite arm chair.

"How are you doing?" She asks, and taking on the pose and posture that Spencer has seen replicated in every person that has asked him since Aaron . . . left.

"Why don't you tell me?" Spencer asks, his voice trying to convey his sincerity, as he pulls a small notebook out of his back pocket and hands it to JJ.

"Spence" she starts, as she stares between him and the book.

"No I mean it. Even after what I said, it would be good to hear your opinion. I have been keeping a log of my behaviour, noting down everything I do, because you're right."

"Right about what, I haven't said anything" JJ asks, now clearly perplexed.

"I need to profiled, while at least watched or monitored. This, trauma for the lack of a better word is a textbook trigger for schizophrenia. A recent 40 yearlong study in Finland strongly suggests there is considerable evidence indicating that stress especially anxiety and grief is a risk factor and may trigger episodes of schizophrenia. Stressful life events have been linked as risk factors for schizophrenia as well as relapse or triggers for episodes of schizophrenia"

"Spencer-"

"No, JJ please, I need to look at this objectively, hence the log book. When my father, left well that triggered a full schizophrenic episode in my mother that she never fully recovered from, and I spent my entire childhood looking after her. I just need to be, evaluated. I was going to go to one of the doctors at my mother's rest home next time I visited, but if you could do it for me, it would save so much time, I wanted to do it discreetly, without Jack knowing, and I could make arrangements and-"

Spencer looks so hopeful, that JJ can't help but move from her perch and kneels next to him.

"Spencer, honey you're grieving and I really don't think that this is an appropriate time for a psych evaluation, and when it is the right time, I don't think I am right person to do it."

"We, well you have to evaluate UNSUB's every working day. And I don't need a full investigation into my psyche I just need to know if I display any traits in someone who could be associated with someone who may be suffering a form of schizophrenia. I just need to know if I have to make arrangements for Jack, if I have to remove myself from Aaron's estate."

JJ wants to dismiss his worries. She wants to tell him that he has no cause for concern, that he has enough to deal with without worrying about his mental health. She wants to reassure him, tell him that there is nothing in this book that can tell her anything that she doesn't already know. But she doesn't. Even though she may not have worked with spencer for three years, she still knows him. She can still tell from the jut of his jaw, and the steely edge his eyes have taken on, that this is not a subject that can be dismissed, or fixed with a few heart felt words. He won't stop until he has a full diagnosis; she knows if she doesn't say yes, he will simply seek out someone else. So she agrees, she smiles sadly and pats his hand as she places the book in her handbag, and promises to look through it, though she knows she will not be the one to diagnose his condition, unless it shows that he is a danger to Jack, something that she highly doubts.

"Thank you JJ, it means a lot." It is almost as if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders, he smiles the first true smile he has bestowed upon her all day and even asks about the box that he has steadfastly been ignoring since her arrival.

"Is that what I think it is?" He asks, though he cannot keep a sour note from his voice.

JJ nods, "It's all of Hotch, Aaron's belongings, everything that was at the BAU. There is also several DVD's Aaron had made for you, and Jack in the event of his death."

Spencer stills at this. He had expected a box, all of Aaron's belongings, to be taken and given to him; he had been dreading it, if he were to be honest with himself, the photos and the small ornaments that forever adorned his desk would no longer be there, Aaron would no longer be there. Yet what shocks the genius the most is the DVD's plural. Aaron has spoken on rare occasions about making something for Jack in case of his death, but it was always that, an idea, a half realised notion that Spencer had no idea Aaron had actually put into practice, let alone making one, or more both Spencer and Jack.

"How many DVD's are there?" Spencer, asks as his eyes dart across the box as if it is about to move.

"There are sixteen for Jack and fifteen for you" JJ replies quickly. "He made one each year for both you and Jack, according to the dates on the discs, and before you ask I didn't know about them until yesterday when Garcia managed to unlock the safe in his office."

JJ can see the cogs in Spencer's mind going overtimes and she is able to answer his question before he has time to ask it.

"You two were the only ones with your own private discs. There is one entitled team which we have kept, we only have one copy, and he made it 18 months ago"

All Spencer can do is nod, as his mind begins to sift and decipher the information it has been given. In that box, is fifteen DVD's of Aaron saying goodbye to Spencer. It is almost a timeline of their relationship, and the idea that Aaron had been making personal goodbyes to Spencer for two years before they even started dating gave the genius the first positive feeling he had since the death of his partner.

JJ remains for another hour, as she gently prods into Spencer's life post- Aaron, making sure in her own motherly way, that Spencer and Jack are eating properly, that the arrangements for the funeral are finally going ahead, and when she is finally at least somewhat appeased that Spencer is as happy as possible, she leaves, with a final promise from Spencer to keep in touch, and accepting an invitation to dinner at the Jereau household.

Spencer is left alone with nothing by Aaron's parting message to keep him company


	3. Chapter 3

Title- Aftermath

Fandom- Criminal minds

Rating- K+

Pairing- Hotch/Reid

Word count- 2,185

Author Notes- Just for the record I do not condone under-age drinking, I am just pointing out that it does happen, and I for one am confident that when Jack Hotchner does get to sixteen if he does use alcohol he will use it responsibly

Chapter three

He has already had two glasses, and is half way through his third, with the whisky bottle firmly within his reach when Jack arrives home from school to find him sitting at the dining table. In truth Spencer does not know how the young Hotchner will react. He is not unfamiliar with Spencer's previous struggles with drug abuse; He had brought up the subject when Jack attended lessons on health education where drugs had been a topic, though he had omitted a lot of the finer details of his decline into drug dependency and subsequent rehabilitation, though Spencer had not wanted to intentionally lie to Aaron's son, Spencer did not think it appropriate to go into the more grizzly details, all that was important was that Jack knew that Spencer would always trust and respect him enough to be granted into Spencer's life and that Spencer hoped that Jack would return the favour .

Yet even with Spencer's unique mind, he does not even entertain the thought that Jack would put his keys on the table, hang his own messenger bag on the back of the chair, and disappear into the kitchen, before returning with a matching tumbler to Spencer's own, before decanting a healthy measure of the amber liquid into the glass. Spencer just stares, his lips slightly parted as he takes in the sight before him. He is embarrassed to admit that his reaction time to the scene in front of him is stunningly poor, even taking into consideration his current state of inebriation, he is definitely not as sharp as he had been at the BAU he silently laments.

"Jack-" He starts, but is halted by jack raising his index finger before downing the whiskey in one breath, almost slamming the tumbler back to the table with the force of his hand, as a wheezy coughs erupts as the liquid heats the back of his throat.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Spencer asks, his voice rising above its natural octave, as he forces himself to his feet, as if this will give Jack an indication of the levity of the situation.

"I thought I should catch you up, after all since the death of my father I remember you promising me we would deal with this as a team." Jack states, calmly, still sitting, pushing the tumbler across the table, as if to indicate he would drink no more.

Spencer splutters at this, completely ignoring Jack's comment as his hand raking through his hair, as he rattles off the dangers of alcohol, and its effects on adolescent bodies

"Adolescents are more vulnerable than adults to the effects of alcohol on learning and memory. They react differently to the initial effects of alcohol, and studies have suggested that adolescents who repeatedly use alcohol can suffer long-term effects. Preliminary studies using rats have shown that those with repeated alcohol exposure during adolescence are more sensitive to alcohol induced impairments later in life"

He knows he is overreacting, and falling back on his comfort zone of academia and facts, but Spencer is officially freaking out. Aaron has been gone a little over two weeks, and in Spencer's care, Jack; right in front of Spencer to be exact has started drinking. Spencer knows that it is logical to assume that Jack has partaken in alcohol before, but reason has little place in his mind right now, when all he can think about is that he has let Aaron down.

"Spencer, earth to Spencer" Jack calls, forcing Reid's attention back on him.

"Please listen to me Spencer. I only had one as at my age, one glass is equivalent to between two and three for a fully functioning adult male, according to a recent article in the lancet." Spencer's eyes expand at Jack quoting medical journals to him.

Jack laughs at Spencer's reaction. "Well they are usually all over the house, and I like to read when I can't get to sleep" He explains, gently smiling; before he lets it slide form his face as he continues.

"I did it as a message, well two. One that whatever it is that bothering you, and before you start I know something has happened, by the half empty whiskey bottle, we will face this together, and two you drinking Doctor Reid, with your past experiences, is just as dangerous as a sixteen year old being introduced to hard liquor, if not more."

For the second time in three days Spencer Reid is floored, by the maturity of Jack Hotchner. The boy may only be 16 years, 4 months and 22 days old, but he seems to be a lot wiser than Spencer can ever hope to be. With all this maturity and calm, it is sometimes easy for Spencer to forget, that when it comes down to it Jack is still a child, and needs more than anything security and reassurance that not everything has to change in the wake of his father's death, and that he can rely upon Spencer to look after him.

"I'm sorry" Spencer states quietly, as he slips back into the dining room chair, causally sliding his and Jack's glass to a far side of the table out of reach. Jack sighs both at Spencer's words and his actions.

"There is no need to be sorry, but I just want to know what has happened? What has occurred today to make you reach for a substance you know, is a known gateway for recovered addicts to return to their old ways and start using drugs again."

Spencer visibly winces at the words, which Jack has no doubt picked up at school.

The wide sweeping generalisations that tend to do more harm than good, is a topic that Spencer knows has to wait for another time. His mind also wants to focus upon Jack's use of addict, as Spencer has always hated the word, as he has never been an 'addict' and has been at great pains to never mention the word when the subject had been discussed between Jack, Aaron and himself. But that's not the crux of the matter and Spencer knows this. Jack is worried that Spencer could be abusing drugs, now or in the future?

No, not now, Jack would have said something before this if he had suspected that Dialaudid was even a prospect, but Jack is still worried that it could factor in somewhere in the future.

In all honesty Spencer has not even considered that he could be prone to a relapse after the death of Aaron, he has been so preoccupied with the thought of a schizophrenic break that the thought had not even crossed his mind. Great he laments, grief has robbed me of my emotions and now it is going for my intellect.

Jack is right though, as he has the increasingly common ability to do lately. Alcohol is a known gateway drug into harder substances and with Spencer's past it doesn't take much to see a worrying connection.

"I'm Sorry" Spencer reiterates, as he doesn't know what else to say. He was wrong he shouldn't have hit the bottle, it had been the cowardly thing to do, but with what has happened today, he thought he needed one drink to calm his nerves, blur the edges of his vision, so the future didn't look quite so bleak. One drink that turned into two, one drink that would have turned into a bottle if Jack hadn't arrived home

"Tell me why you needed that drink Spencer?" Jack asks, quietly and Spencer would laugh at the bang on impression of psychologist if the situation wasn't so serious.

"JJ brought round your father's effects today, the items that were in his office. There are ornaments and photographs, but there are also the contents of his safe, including DVD's that he made in the event of his death, for you and me, fifteen for me, sixteen for you. I was just trying to gain the courage to watch one"

Spencer waits for Jacks reaction, his old profiling skills unconsciously beginning their routine job of judging the subject without Spencer's consent. Jacks eyebrows automatically knit together, in confusion before rising in surprise, as his eyes convey alight shock, but his lips are the true tell he captures his bottom lip between his teeth, a habit the young Hotchner has had since a young age, which showcases his nervousness.

"Sixteen" He states, though it comes out as more of a question.

Spencer nods. "He filmed one every year, most people in high" his voice breaks on the word "risk jobs do this, it is actively encouraged by psychologists and superiors alike, usually the previous entries are erased or over written, but it seems your dad kept each one for you in the end."

Jack's eyes are now fixed on the cardboard box with FBI insignia, knowing instinctively that the DVD's are in there.

"Can I watch them?" Jack asks eventually after a very long pause where Spencer isn't quite sure what to do.

"Of, of course" Spencer splutters, his long gangly limbs at odds with him as he extricates himself from the chair as he pulls the box lid off, as he ignores the rest of the contents for a large DVD spindle containing Jack's last communique from his father.

Jack eyes the items with a quiet patience as they are placed in front of him. Spencer doesn't know what to do next, so he waits for Jack.

"Would you mind if I watched them alone? I'm sorry Spence" He quickly tags the apology onto the end as if it is needed as comfort to the words he uttered, but Spencer just smiles sadly and nods.

"Of course, I would never dream of intruding, this is private between you and your father. I should, well I have some reading that I should-"

"Don't you have some of these from dad too?" Jack asks as Spencer attempts to retreat to the safety of his small study/library

"Well, yes, yes I do"

"I thought you would watch them while I watch mine?" jack asks tentatively.

"I don't, I don't know if I am ready for that yet Jack" Spencer quietly intones, his head drawn lower as if embarrassed by his own declaration.

"Well I guess he is here waiting for you when you are ready" Jack surmises, with a valiant try at a genuine smile "dad always said that you waited patiently for years, for dad to figure out that he loved you, I guess it is his turn to wait for you to listen to what he has to say, one last time"

Jack is still smiling as he says those words but Spencer can see the tale-tale tear begin to slip down his cheek, as his voice begins to choke, Spencer doesn't know whether to hug the boy or pretend he hasn't noticed.

Aaron would know what to do. He thinks, as he stares helplessly, all his knowledge ultimately failing him when he needs it the most. What should I do? It's not as if this is the first time that Spencer has seen Jack cry, he has been around the youngster for thirteen years and has been on the end of his fair share of tears and tantrums, though a sprained ankle, and a school bully are a lot easier to handle than this.

Grief

Spencer knows he is terrible at this, he couldn't in his opinion even appropriately console the family of victims in his time at the BAU, and they were not much more than strangers to him, but Jack is, well family. Finally deciding on a compromise Spencer fishes out a clean monographed handkerchief that Rossi had gifted to Spencer as a joke five year previously at xmas, the stitching read S.R 3's A.H and hands it to Jack, who manages a throat tight thank you, as he dabs his eyes before staring at the letters on the fabric.

"I will be in the study when you are finished" Spencer states "And yes I will remove the bottle of Scotch that is lodged behind the third book from the left on the fourteenth row, and you cannot have any more alcohol"

Jack even manages to laugh at the last bit, as he grabs the DVD spindle and move toward the TV room, as Spencer sighs knowing that this incident with alcohol to blot out his feelings is yet another thing Spencer has to monitor, another note to an ever growing lists, as he makes a mental reminder to buy another note book so that he can catalogue the amount he drinks along with the emotional and physical triggers that mark this need for escape.


	4. Chapter 4

Title- Aftermath

Fandom- Criminal minds

Rating- K+

Pairing- Hotch/Reid

Other Characters- Jack Hotchner

Word count- 2,066

Author's note- Sorry this took a little longer to get going, I really want to present as realistically as possible, and the grief process is in my experience a long process, but I do want to develop this further than just the funeral and look at how Spencer and Jack move on past this, and continue their lives. As always reviews are really appreciated as these encourage me a lot. Thanks

Chapter 4

Spencer does not expect Jack to volunteer any information on what he has learnt, or what Aaron has left him, and he knows better than to ask. It doesn't stop Spencer wondering though. Whatever Aaron had recorded, it took Jack four hours 32 minutes and around 18 seconds (not that Spencer is counting) to finish with them and knock on the study door. He opens it before getting an answer, a habit that even Aaron hasn't been able to stop the boy from doing, though he is more cautious after catching Aaron and Spencer in an uncomfortable situations on a number of occasions. Even so Spencer isn't too bothered when he sees Jacks head pop through, though his heart does a little drop when he catches Jacks eyes studying the recliner chair which is furnished with blankets and pillows, making it appear as it is being used as a bed; which it is.

Spencer has been consciously careful about keeping his current sleeping arrangements discreet; making sure that Jack is in his room for the evening before venturing to the study for much needed sleep; even going to the extremes of making the bed in the room he shared with Aaron look as if it has been slept in. This illusion has been getting decidedly harder to employ over the last few evenings as Jack has been going out with friends and not returning to late, pushing Spencer's own disjointed sleeping habits even further out of whack as he strives to keep another secret from the younger Hotchner.

The crux of the matter is that Spencer cannot bring himself to sleep in the bed.

The bad that was a location for so many defining moments of Spencer's relationship with Aaron, the bed that is meant for two, the bed that doesn't feel the same without him.

Spencer has tried to sleep in it, as he knows logically that he is being stupid. The bed will give him a much better quality of sleep then the recliner that has only been used very sparingly in the past, as somewhere to spend the night when Spencer and Aaron had a fight, yet Spencer cannot bring him to sleep in the bed. He tries once every few days, slipping beneath the sheets, still favouring his side of the bed. At first it is fine, he has a book in hand and he can almost ignore what is missing, but it is when he removes his glasses, puts down the book and is in the very early stages of sleep, as his mind begins to slow and he instinctively moves toward the middle of the bed to embrace the body that is absent, that Spencer cannot ignore what is missing any longer, for it is oppressive in its absence. The solitude almost choking him as his stomach clenches involuntarily, as if he has been dowsed in ice cold water. He quickly removes himself from the situation and runs to the safety of the study.

Spencer waits with a level of trepidation as Jack takes in the impromptu bed in the study. Spencer could kick himself for not hiding it more carefully, but Jack has very little cause to be in this room, and Spencer stupidly didn't even think that Jack would come in search of him. He makes a mental note to add this omission on his part to the notebook, as these little lapses in his usual astuteness have been happening more regularly since Aaron's death, and waits for Jacks reaction.

"I'm finished with the DVD's" He states, in a way that brokers no questions as he pushes the door further open, and hesitantly steps into the room. Spencer assumes Jack will mention the elephant in the room, as the boy is usually quite direct. Spencer actually finds himself for three tenths of a second disappointed that Jack has not forced him to face this problem head on, before instantly reprimanding himself. He is being ridiculous, however much he may act like it, Jack is not Aaron, he is not even an adult yet, and it is most certainly not Jack's place to guide Spencer through this bereavement, if anything Spencer should be helping Jack.

"Okay" He beings unnecessarily "I'll just finish this chapter and then we'll sort something out for dinner" it is his best interpretation of a responsible adult but it sounds false to his own ears. His eyes quickly fall to the page, though he does not take in a word, too busy trying to formulate a successful strategy of how to proceed through this evening.

"Have you gone through all the contents in the box of dad's things?" Jack asks, waiting for spencer to put the book back into the shelf, standing a good foot away from him. Spencer can't help but smile at the small courtesy, it's one of the rules Aaron had been particular stringent on during Jack's childhood. He was not allowed to interrupt either Aaron or Spencer when they were reading, and was to wait patiently until they had put the work away. In truth the main reason for this rule is that Aaron and Spencer had the habit of bringing case files home, and this ensured that Jack would not interrupt any important work, or more importantly walk in on a grizzly image of a murder victim.

"Umm, not yet I haven't had the chance to sort through it yet, why?" Spencer asks, though he has a feeling Jack is going somewhere with this, rather than just genuine curiosity.

"It is just something that dad had mentioned in one of his- goodbyes" Jack replies, his voice reminding Spencer of the months back when Jack was going through puberty and his voice would alter from falsetto to baritone in the same sentence, Spencer had tried to console Jack by going through the transformation in a detached scientific manor, quoting the Cooksey's range of stages of maturation in the male vocal cords but this didn't seem to work well in that instance.

"He said, that in the case of his death that somewhere in his belongings at the BAU is a form that he has filled that states that you will be the full time primary guardian, and you have full custody of, well me, if you sign."

Jack finishes, at break neck speed, each word uttered quicker than the one preceding it. Spencer can tell that the young man is nervous, his eyes scanning Spencer for any emotional leak. All Spencer can do is blink, his lids moving across his eyes, as he struggles to contemplate what Jack has just said.

It shouldn't come as a shock, after all Spencer has been a carer (He really hates that word, it reminds him to much about the people at his mother's Sanatorium but he cannot think of a better word) for Jack since he was five. Yet Aaron was there, and Spencer was only a background player, sure he would fascinate Jack with stories of the history of dinosaurs, and recite all of his favourite stories word for word on demand, but that was merely a quirk of Spencer's extreme intellect he surmises, the proper parenting, as Spencer likes to think of it as, was done by Aaron.

He was the one who stopped Spencer from rushing Jack to the hospital the first time the six year old contracted chicken pops. He was the one who had discussed the birds and bees with Jack after the ten year old had accidentally walked in to the master ensuite at a rather inopportune moment, when his school bus had failed to appear one morning. Spencer had grabbed a towel and high-tailed it out of the room, leaving Aaron without anything to cover his modesty. Aaron had forced all three of them to sit down in the dining room that evening for a really awkward sex conversation where Spencer had used the word fertilization, no fewer than six times, and had even suggested asking an associate from the local university to bring round working silicone reconstructions of male and female reproductive systems, before Aaron had taken pity on both Spencer and Jack who was visibly squirming at this point, and suggested that Spencer go into the den and get a start on his reading for his latest PHD paper.

No, upon reviewing his performance as Jack's carer so far, Spencer does think that he is seriously lacking in any of the necessary experience to be allowed sole responsibility for the young man. Of course he has been alone with him for the best part of eleven days, but that has been different, the two have been grieving, and both Spencer and Jessica had decided it would be best for him to stay in familiar surroundings but Spencer has assumed that final arrangements would change and be decided after the funeral, but Aaron's decision has put him in a tail spin.

"It should be in his belongings" Jack continues, his weight moving from each foot, as he squirms in the situation he has found himself, before taking the opportunity to move and find the document.

Spencer silently follows him back into the living room, watching as Jack unceremoniously takes the lid off the box, and rifles through Aaron's belongings, occasionally taking out items and places them on the table to aid his search. Spencer recognises a lot of the paraphernalia; letter openers, paper weights and photo frames that should litter his desk, and not this box. Jack takes a few minutes to find it, but somewhere at the bottom of the box is official looking paper which Jack hands over as quickly as he recognises it. Spencer takes them, the knowledge seeping into his brain without really comprehending it.

"Well?" Jack asks expectantly, though Spencer is still in too much of a daze to know what is expected of him.

"Um, well it looks official enough, but being a former prosecutor, I would expect nothing less"

"Well yes, of course." Jack agrees, "But what I mean is, what do you think? Will you sign? Will you have me?"

Will you have me?

The note of uncertainty in Jacks voice, the edge of almost desperation to be wanted hits Spencer somewhere near his gut like a physical blow, and for the first time he sees Jack not as a young Aaron, but as a young Spencer. For as long as Spencer can remember his conscious thoughts he remembers this unnerving need to be wanted, and more importantly be cared for. With an apparent level of maturity that he now possesses Spencer can see, that he was indeed needed by his mother, and that even with her illness Diana Reid, always wanted and loved her son dearly, but it didn't stop her young son from basically growing up alone, as her illness began to further entomb her in her own mind, and that as it always does brings his mind onto the subject of William Reid, and as soon as the name is brought up. Spencer knows that he can never say no to Jack, even if he does secretly deep inside think that Jessica would be a better guardian, he can never let Jack even think for a second that Spencer would ever turn his back on him.

"Of course, I want nothing more. . . I . . . love you . . . Jack" Even though he stutters over the last four words, still unfamiliar with voicing his feelings in such an overt manor, Jack cannot help but beam at the man he always thinks of as papa in his head, though he has never had the courage to say out loud.

Spencer braces himself as Jack pulls him into a bone crunching hug; Jack has always been more tactile than his father, and Spencer has got a lot better at least accepting his many hugs, though he is still working on initiating them. He smiles as the first slithers of real happiness begin to filter through his nerves, a real smile beginning to make its way across his face, though in the confines of his mind, he makes a mental note to get a clause amended to the end of the papers, where if any signs of mental disorder effect spencer he wavers all guardian rights and Jessica is appointed sole carer.


	5. Chapter 5

Fandom- Criminal minds

Rating- K+

Pairing- Hotch/Reid

Author's note- Just a little note to say thank you very much for your reviews, they are really lovely and really encourage me to write lots more thank you! Also just a heads up, I do intend to make this quite a long story, and will be focusing on delving more into how Aaron and Spencer got together, as well as Spencer and Jack's life post Aaron, please keep reviewing as I really cherish them thanks

Word count- 2,058

Chapter 5

The apartment is empty when he returns from his run on Saturday morning. Spencer has found himself running the same route round the nearby park each weekend; just as had done for years with Aaron. His partner always seemed to be perpetually training for another marathon or endurance event, even placing third in his category at the Holiday lake fifty kilometre race in December last year. Spencer does not really know why he stills do it, now his partner is gone to be honest. Aaron had always been the most athletic of the pair, and it was always him forcing Spencer to come along, especially on the colder wintry mornings, when Spencer would much rather stay in bed with a thermos of coffee and a dozen books. Aaron had remarked that he always enjoyed running with a partner, and this was a trade-off for the many scientific lectures that Spencer had forced him to go to. Spencer remembers this very differently as he would be happy to go alone, but Aaron would always refuse, saying that Spencer would never come home, if Aaron wasn't there to stop the genius from pestering the guest speaker with complicated questions for hours on end. Unbeknownst to Spencer; Aaron had admitted after one too many whiskeys with Rossi one evening that the main reason for his continued attendance at these lectures had a lot more to do with a very irrational fear that one of the guest lecturers would pounce upon his younger partner, both for his brain and his body, if Spencer attended alone. This statement had caused Rossi to almost snort very expensive malt up his nose, coughing through his laughter as he assured Aaron that however attractive Aaron found Spencer, he should be assured the lecturers would probably be able to keep their hands to themselves.

Yet this does not answer why Spencer still runs, now that Aaron is gone. He likes to think that it is merely habit, the act of running so ingrained in his routine from years of doing it, that his body now requires this activity. But as he sits to remove his trainers, feeling the protesting blisters begin to form on his feet, he knows that this is not true. In truth, Spencer can't bring himself to stop. It's illogical, and a large percentage of his brain is screaming at the ridiculousness of Spencer putting himself through the trial of physical exertion, just to keep up with tradition, but it's more than that. Spencer doesn't quite know how to explain it, but the simple act of running makes him feel closer to Aaron, as if his partner is still somehow there, offering encouragement, and running just a few metres ahead; gently teasing Spencer into pushing his pace a little further. The feeling can be described as comforting, unlike their bed, which only seems to re-enforce his newly found solitude, this activity makes him remember.

He quickly takes a shower, discarding his sweaty t-shirt and shorts, for a pair of grey lounging trousers, and a holey jumper, that has CAL-Tech emblazoned on the front in peeling letters. Spencer remembers Aaron's shock at what Spencer chose to wear when it was clear he would be staying indoors.

"I don't know why you are so surprised Aaron? Do you really expect me to watch star trek re-runs, and eat pizza in a sweater vest and tie?"

He can still visualise Aaron's face as he had greeted him at the door to his old apartment in a very similar outfit, he face was almost comical in its shock at Spencer's attire.

"Well I suppose not." Aaron hedges, as moves past Spencer to place the pizza on the kitchen counter, pecking the genius on the cheek as he passes. "It's just different I suppose, I have never seen you so casual before, you almost look like someone your own age."

Spencer just blinks at this as he closes the door behind him.

"But I am someone my own age"

Spencer smiles at the memory, as he moves into the lounge, sighing loudly when he catches sight of something that wasn't there when he left for his run this morning. On the floor in front of the large TV stacked neatly on top of each other is the collection of DVD's from Aaron that Spencer has been trying his best to ignore for the best part of four days. Knowing that even if he doesn't watch them right now, he will have to move them from their current position, lest it spoil by its mere presence, his planned afternoon of the discovery channel, Spencer moves towards them, noticing a yellow post it note stuck on top.

Hi, Spence,

I will be at practice until 3pm then off to Ben's house for dinner,

Then to watch the game, will be back late,

So it gives you plenty of time to watch these!

Jack

Spencer rolls his eyes, wondering without malice when Jack became the boss of him. In all honesty Jack has had Spencer wrapped around his little finger since they were first introduced, when Jack would demand magic trick after magic trick, almost resulting in a small fire at the Hotch residence as Spencer tried to fulfil Jack's desire to see bigger and bolder feats of magic. Jack is right though, he does need to watch the DVD's he has been left and he needs to do it soon. The funeral will be on Wednesday and though it seems cruel to say it, after doing a lot of research into the subject via Google, and a self- help book that Jess had dropped round with a casserole a few nights after Aarons death stating that it had helped her a lot with the loss of Haley, he thinks it healthy to use this as a closure to his mourning period. It is not as if he will wake up on Thursday morning and everything will be alright again, but he will be expected back at work on the Friday and though the grief will not be gone, he needs to get on with his life, whatever life it will be without Aaron. So with this in mind he takes a long calming breath and sorts the DVD's into chronological order, placing the oldest DVD marked Spencer Reid October 2009 into the player, and sits down on the sofa, as a heavy weight fills the pit of his stomach. He has been dreading this, even more than the funeral itself. Spencer tells himself to stop being so immature, but he cannot help but relate this back to childhood, he has always; since the loss of his father figure, been acutely aware that everyone he seems to care for, ultimately ends up leaving him in one way or another. He can remember every word his father said that fateful morning on the 23rd of October 1986 when he left Spencer with his mentally ill mother, and the debilitating feeling that choked his voice box, sucker punched his gut, and took all hope is back, as he realises that this is the time that he will have to finally let Aaron Hotchner say goodbye and leave him.

He realises he is finally ready to watch the DVD's that have been left for him; he is finally ready to see Aaron for the last time.

The footage starts with Hotch walking away from the screen, obviously having just turned the camera on. He sits behind his desk, a desk that Spencer is familiar with, a desk which contents are now housed in a box that Spencer has still not sorted through. Hotch adjusts his tie, though it is fine, and knits his hands together on the top of the desk.

Spencer refuses to blink as he takes in the image in front of him; Aaron looks so young, though in truth he would still have been three years and six months older than Spencer is now. Yet this doesn't stop Spencer from sighing wistfully at the screen, yearning for an ability to go back in time, to have his time over again, to take Aaron into his arms once more and never let go.

"Hello, Reid, Spencer" He begins, the usual neutral expression, with the hint of a scowl which everyone at the BAU is familiar with is firmly in place.

Spencer takes in an un-needed breath at the visual in front of him, it seems odd to him to see Supervisory Special agent Hotchner stare back, as Spencer is so used to Aaron, the man who wears a contented smile, and whose hair now has a considerable dusting of silver throughout.

But this isn't Spencer's Aaron, he has to remind himself, this is back when Spencer could stake no claim to him, and he was just Spencer's superior, a slightly reserved co-worker, who was going through a difficult divorce.

As spencer studies the screen, he can see Hotch move slightly on his chair, almost as if he is fidgeting, something that is so unlike the professional Spencer had worked with for all those years. Hotch never fidgeted or swayed, every movement, every gesture was controlled thought through. Spencer can't help but profile the man on the screen. His eyes are larger than normal almost glassy, darting from the screen to off in the distance. He controls his hands by holding them decisively on the desk as if he let go they would go flying off. Spencer can tell he isn't comfortable, whatever he is about to say isn't something that he is entirely happy with, it is almost as if he is at odds with himself, half wanting to disclose half wanting to remain silent.

"To tell you the truth I don't know why I am doing this Reid." Aaron begins to speak, before abruptly stopping, and his eyes dart to focus on a spot off camera, before he continues. "

"It all feels especially morbid, or at the very least chancing fate." He manages a wry smile at this.

"But since the birth of my son I have felt the need to document my life in some way. I want him to have a tangible memory of his father, so I have for the past two years been recording short message for him, to be released in the event of my death. I don't know why I am even recording this," He adds his voice completely genuine, as he releases a hand to rake through his immaculate hair.

"But lately I have been finding the increasing need to let you know how valued you are on the team, Re-Spencer. I don't think I show it well enough, I know I can- in the words of Morgan- be a hard ass, but I guess I just wanted to let you know, that to me you are a very valued member of the team, and a very valued friend, and I guess that is enough of a reason to record this". SO I guess I have said everything, Goodbye Spencer"

When he finishes speaking Spencer can see him leak relief, as if the words had released some kind of burden within him. Spencer watches Aaron move off of his seat and click the camera off.

It has been an insight into Aaron, which Spencer has never been allowed before. It is no secret that Spencer had had feeling for his superior for a number of years before he could even put a name to what he was feeling, it is something that the pair had talked about at length, always in a wistful manner, about the lost time that was squandered, but Spencer had never really realised that Aaron had been experiencing some sort of feeling for Spencer too. The elder agent had always been rather tight lipped on the subject, always saying that he had always cared about Spencer more than he should, Spencer hopes that with this early admission, these DVD's will hold more insight into Aaron's thought.

The dread that Spencer has been feeling thus far towards Aaron's goodbye begins to slightly dissipate, as his curiosity about what else Aaron has to say begins to build, his mood more buoyant that thus far the messages have allowed him to focus upon remembering rather than re-enforcing what he has lost.


	6. Chapter 6

Fandom- Criminal Minds

Rating- K+

Authors note- Sorry I have been away from a while, I was finding it really hard to make a decision on the direction of the story, but yay I finally managed to get something down on paper. As always reviews are extremely appreciated, and thanks for all the reviews I have received I treasure them.

Word count- 2288

Chapter 6

Spencer is debating whether to push on ahead with the next DVD or savour Aaron's last messages, when he hears a persistent knock on his apartment door. Spencer knows that it must be a resident, as any visitor would have to phone up for admission. He sighs lightly as he slowly makes his way to the entrance; hoping that it is not the elderly Mrs Abbott again with another pot roasts. He knows she means well, but there is only so many times he can accept her sympathy, without wanting to hurl the casserole dish at her.

Spencer opens the door, expecting a frail old lady in a tweed skirt, with matching cloche hat; but what he sees is a man only a few years older than himself, six foot two with scraggily dark brown hair, and a stylised scruff of hair around his large lips.

"How did you get in the building, the intercom system is supposed to stop strangers from gaining entrance to the building"

"Well hello to you too" The man replies, smiling in spite of the stern glance Spencer is bestowing upon him, knowing that he will have to come up with a better answer if he wants this conversation to continue inside Spencer's apartment.

"Firstly Spencer, us two are many things, but strangers is not one of them, and a lovely elderly woman let me in on her way out with her little terrier, when she saw I was struggling with my bags; and before you ask, yes she asked who I was and I said I was a friend of yours" Spencer makes a strangled noise that lodges in this throat at the word friend but says nothing, as he takes note of the two large holdalls, one in his left arm, and the other on the floor.

"So I am guessing this is not just a flying visit, you are planning on staying for a few days?" Spencer asks sceptically, but takes a step back and lets the man skim past him and enter the apartment.

The bags are dumped gracelessly on the floor, as the man smiles triumphantly at the small victory. "I can see how you earn your money; you are one hell of a profiler."

"Ex-profiler" Spencer corrects, before moving toward the kitchen; knowing that his friend will follow.

"Whoa, that is news; when did this happen? I never thought you would ever get disillusioned with the FBI, what occurred to make you leave" The man seems to judge Spencer for a second "Or were you pushed? Spencer did you get fired?" The last question is uttered with such poorly concealed glee, that Spencer rolls his eyes, as he locates two mismatching mugs, and starts making coffee.

"Ethan, I am sure you have not come all this way to discuss my current career options; please tell me the reason for you sudden arrival, then we can start finding you a hotel for the night." Spencer finds it rather convenient that Ethan has turned up so close to Aaron's funeral, but knowing that he hasn't invited the man himself, he can't work out who else would have invited the musician.

"Oh there is no need" Ethan starts, watching closely as Spencer operates the coffee machine like an aficionado, even taking the time to froth milk, and apply a liberal helping of sugar to both cups. "I thought I would stay here, for the next couple of days, or weeks. Oh and thank you, I am surprised you still remember how I take my coffee" He states, taking the mug, and inhales the aroma appreciatively.

"I have an eidetic memory Ethan, and I don't think that is such a good idea. There are plenty of good hotels in the area, and I am sure at least a few will meet your high expectations."

The smile that Ethan has been wearing since his entrance changes slightly, taking on a softer, allure, as he puts the mug on the counter, and takes a step into Spencer's much needed personal space.

"I know about Aaron, Spencer. I received a letter a few days ago; I am here . . . for you, I want to help you with the funeral and everything."

Spencer takes a long steadying breath as Ethan, give him the much practiced stare that so often works on Spencer, making him cave instantly; not this time.

"I don't think that would be appropriate Ethan." He replies, taking a step back.

"Well it may not be appropriate Spencer, but I have been asked to do this by someone that I cannot, and will not let them down; so unless you are willing to walk over my body every time you walk out of your front door, I suggest you make up a guest bed for your dear old friend Ethan."

Spencer blinks once, and then twice "Who made you promise; Was it Garcia? I told her not to pry, that between Jack and I can deal with things between the two of us" he is talking more to himself than Ethan, but the other man manages to reply.

"Who is Jack?" He asks, and to anyone else it may have sounded like an innocent question but Spencer knows him better. Not many people can really wind Spencer up; though Morgan does give it a dam good try, in the way that Ethan is capable of. Spencer doesn't know if it is just the thinly veiled competition that seems to affect every aspect of their relationship, but Ethan has, and most likely always will, have the ability to wind the scientist up tighter than a spring.

"Don't be ridiculous Jack is Aaron's son, and I am now his Guardian, so get your mind out of the gutter."

Ethan manages to eke out a lascivious glare, even in these circumstances, and if Spencer wasn't so used to Ethan, he would find it entirely inappropriate.

"Was it Garcia? Did she ask you come and keep an eye on me?" Spencer asks the question once more, knowing that is entirely within the realms of possibilities for Penelope to find the contact details of one of Spencer's only non- BAU friends that Garcia would be able to remember.

"I don't know who Garcia is, though she could have possibly sent the letter to me, she is definitely not the one who wrote to me . . . it was Aaron."

The room seems to become deathly silence when Ethan says Aaron's name; it as if you could hear a pin drop. Spencer has always been fascinated with that saying, as in his opinion this is not a very realistic metaphor, as the ability to hear a pin drop is affected a lot more on the surface it is falling on to than the level of sound in the room at that point. Spencer tries to shake his mind from its annoying habit of focusing on the ridiculous details, and focuses his attention on Ethan's face, confident he will be able to determine if the man is lying or not. His face does not betray any of the tell-tale leakage of a person who is fabricating fallacies, but this does not mean that Ethan is telling the truth.

"Why would Aaron write to you of all people" Spencer asks scepticism clear in his tone. Ethan shrugs at the question; as he pulls out a letter from his back pocket and places it on the counter in front of Spencer, who grabs at it with the greediness of an attention starved infant.

To Ethan Cross,

I am sure that you are very surprised to receive a letter from me, of all people, but I feel that it is really unavoidable.

I feel that it is very important that I start off with an apology. If I am honest with myself I never thought I would do this, but as I am going to be asking you for a particularly large favour I feel it is the least that I can do, and much less than you really deserve.

I am very sorry Ethan for my part in the end of yours and Spencer's relationship. It was not my finest hour, and though I know in my heart of hearts that I would do the exact same thing if we were to have our time over again; I need to apologise for the way I handled the situation, it was extremely underhand and very un-gentlemanly. I know this may sound cruel but I also feel the need to apologise for ever letting you have Spencer back in the first place. I should have never let him go once he allowed me to be part of his life. At the time I thought I was doing the right; the noble thing to do, I now realise how stupid I was, to let him wander from my side, even if it were for a short time. I do not mean to be overly mean-spirited when I say that I regret my actions that led Spencer into your arms; all I mean is that I know how hard life is, when that man is not be your side, and I apologise in my role that took him from you.

I think this leads well into the favour I need to ask from you. I will get down to the facts; I am writing this to you because I am dead, well obviously not while I am writing this, but when you read it I will have passed on, so to speak. I know this may sound horrible morbid, but I have put several plans in order in the event of my death, and you are to be one of them.

I assume that you may not be overly enamoured with the idea of helping someone who has wronged you in the past, but I am not asking you for myself, but for Spencer. Unless there has been a horrible travesty Spencer will still be alive, and being a very private man he will have sought privacy and seclusion since my passing. He will have my son, but I do think that he will need an equal, someone who he can depend on, that will not be weighed down with their own bereavement. He needs someone who can be there solely for him, someone that will look after him with the passionate dependability that can only be assured by someone who loves Spencer. I know that this is huge ask, but all I desire is for you to take care of my partner, through the funeral, and the bereavement period after, to console him, and be his counsel while he grieves.

I feel once again the need to apologise, as I know that I am asking a lot, and it is not something that I ask without an understanding of how hard this will be for you. I am shamelessly depending on the love you had for Spencer to still be intact enough for you to do this for him, but I am confident, that once ignited, a love for Spencer is not something that can simply be turned off, though I know that you must have wished it could be. If I were to be truly honest, I know that I should ask you to make Spencer happy, but I am not a generous person, because I cannot bring myself to think of Spencer happy in anyone else's arms but mine. I know it is selfish, but I cannot bring myself to care anymore. I only ask that you help him as much as your love for him allows.

Yours sincerely

A. Hotchner

Numb. It is the only word that accurately portrays how Spencer feels when he finishes the letter and allows it to drop from his fingers, and on to kitchen counter. Aaron and he had never fully discussed their feelings about the separation they both had suffered through, after the death of Haley. All Aaron would say that it was ten months of hell, and he would prefer it were forgotten. Yet Spencer had always known that Aaron had held a certain level of hostility toward Ethan, even though he had left Spencer long before Ethan had ever retuned to the scene, and rekindled the romance they had started when they were both at Caltech. Yet as Spencer plays the letter through his brain, eidetic memory or not, he could never forget those words; Spencer realises just how hard Aaron would have found writing a letter, that for all tense and purposes gives Ethan the ability to walk back in and take Spencer, with Aaron's blessing.

Without discussing the letter at all, Spencer merely turns to Ethan and says "There is a bed already made up in my study, you are welcome here as long as you want to stay."

Spencer must admit that he is a little surprised that Ethan does not reply with a witty joke, or some kind of innuendo, but even he seems to understand the levity of the situation and only nods, as he goes to pick up the bags and follow Spencer as he shows him his new accommodation. Spencer takes calming breaths as he knows now that he will have to face sleeping in the master bedroom again, alone.


End file.
